As you probably already know, every workout program, routine, class, book or video starts with a warning. So here it goes: "We strongly recommend that you consult with your physician before starting this or any exercise program." But if you're morbidly obese and your doctor tells you not to work out, take a second to Google their name after you hang up — chances are you're being duped by a Domino's pizza maker.
If the internet has taught me anything, it's that any and every workout should start with a fiery bang and end in crippling pain. Deadlifts are no exception.
The deadlift is a compound, multi-joint exercise designed to blast your shoulders, biceps, triceps, abs, pecs, delts, ... umm... flats and trabs, dodads, bangs and sluts. You know, all the basic muscle groups you've been neglecting. The current world record deadlift is held by Zydrunas Savickas after he recently lifted an insane 1,155 lbs., which was just around a toddler's weight above the previous record of 1,128 lbs.
Deadlifts are also a great way to incorporate bloodcurdling screams and projectile vomit into your workout routine. Search for "deadlift fails" on YouTube and you'll see more vomit hitting the floor than inside a cheerleading squad's locker room.
Most of these videos show massive, burly men gracefully approaching a pile of weights in such manner you'd think their mom was artificially inseminated by a silverback gorilla. Their typical routine goes from huffing and puffing to lifting and screaming to dropping on their knees and screaming to laying and screaming to just lying motionless in a pile of their own excrement and stomach bile.
Let's see how to do it...
YouTube's Instructions to Performing Deadlifts
- Choose a totally inappropriate amount of weight for your fitness level. If you aren't lightheaded after carrying the individual plates from the rack to the bar, you haven't brought over enough weight.
- Pound your fist into your chest like you're giving a fantastic motivational speech for apes. Grunt, snort, huff, puff and make enough noise to make sure people are watching.
- Keep your back straight, head up and shoulders pushed backwards. Reach down grab the bar. Start roaring.
- Arms straight, lift up the barbell using your legs and glutes. No one said to stop screaming, cowboy. Increase the volume of your voice as the uncontrollable shaking in your legs, back, and upper body steadily increase.
- Purge everything in your stomach and lower intestine from whatever hole is the closest for expulsion.
The Real Step-by-step Instructions (Kettlebell Workout Style)
- Stand over a kettlebell with your legs spread slightly wider than shoulders width and with your toes pointing slightly outwards. Make sure it's an appropriate weight for your fitness level this time.
- Back straight, head up, shoulders backwards. Grab the kettlebell with both hands.
- Keep your arms straight throughout the lift. Lift up the kettlebell using your legs. Squeeze your glutes and straighten your legs, pulling your shoulders backwards at the top of the movement.
- Lower the kettlebell back down in between your legs by hinging your hips and bending your knees.