There's no doubt the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles utterly dominated the 1980s! And I bought all of their merchandise: lunch boxes, pajamas, sleeping bags, video games, action figures, play sets, weapons, costumes, etc. — basically everything outside of feminine hygiene products.
If you grew up around the '80s or '90s, chances are you have seen an episode or two of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the quartet of humanoid ninjutsu reptiles who fight robots, speak exclusively in antiquated surf culture buzzwords, and eat nothing but takeout pizza despite having no actual source of income.
Their archenemy, the Shredder, decadently covered in razor-sharp armor, spends more of his time berating his minions and delivering one-liners about the competency of his staff than actually being a threat to the Turtles himself.
Although there was a reasonable amount of action and fighting in the series, the lame jokes and ridiculous sight gags really took precedence.
But Where Did Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Actually Originate?
Originally, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic book was created as a parody of sorts to Frank Miller's Daredevil. For instance, Daredevil fights a ninja faction called "the Hand", whereas the Turtles fight "the Foot Clan." See, "Weird Al" Yankovic isn't the only one who can pull off some hilarious fucking parodies. However, despite its obvious tongue-in-cheek changes and that fact that it was a comic book, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic is grittier than a trucker's morning shit.
The Shredder — who in the comic book is brutally intense and extremely powerful, making him a formidable foe — only appears in a single story arc because the Turtles stab him in through the heart and toss him off a fucking building!
That's strikingly similar to how Shredder was thrown off the roof in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie; however, in the movie it was strongly implied that he survived the fall by, you know, the fact that there was a sequel.
The comic is printed in black-and-white, which is great, because if we had to see the gory aftermath of Leonardo cutting his way through a barrage of Foot soldiers (who are actually human beings and not robots like in the cartoon, by the way) in full color, we would never be able to sleep again.
Oh, and where's Splinter (the Turtles' ninjutsu master and only father figure) during all this? He collapses and dies due to a massive myocardial infarction (otherwise known as a heart attack). Sleep tight, kids.
Thoughts About The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie
Personally, I won't be seeing the 2014 reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Michael Bay is often accused of murdering childhoods, especially with the billion-dollar tornado of shit known as the Transformers series. If there is one property on this planet that he really shouldn't defecate all over, it is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
If you're in your 30s like me, yes, this movie is probably going to suck. The Turtles probably aren't going to use their cliché California surfer vernacular or ride through the sewers on longboard skateboards or punch mentally-disabled mutant rhinoceroses in the face. Nothing about the movie will be as cool as you remember since the original series was carefully manufactured to be cool by 10-year-old's standards. So really, we all fucked up and got older.
But if you are 10 years old and reading this (which is super creepy), this movie might be awesome for you.