I'm the type of guy who takes legal advice from his neighbor's veterinarian, tax advice from the postman, and medical advice from anonymous internet message boards, so it only stands to reason that when it comes to expert yoga instruction, I chose ex-professional wrestler and three-time WCW World Heavyweight Champion "Diamond" Dallas Page. Makes sense, right?
About a year ago, I came across an inspirational video in an online news article about Arthur Boorman, a man who had multiple doctors prognose that he would never walk unassisted again because of chronic back and knee problems caused by jumping out of an airplane too many times — I should probably also mention he was a paratrooper in the Gulf War. The video chronicles Boorman's medical defying transformation from his immobile state of existence to an athletic and fit runner by using "Diamond" Dallas Page's "DDP Yoga" program. Instantly after watching the video, I thought, "Holy shit. Next time I'm a disheveled 300 pound war veteran reduced to walking on crutches for over a decade I'm going to have to definitely get this DVD set! And he's doing a handstand! I gave that up in kindergarten!"
Accepting Challenge #2
When the suggestion came across that one of my challenges would be to try yoga for 30 days, I initially dismissed the idea as being too effeminate before I remembered the video and did some more research on the product. I'm glad I did. Just look at the logo! What does it imply? Apparently by the end of this training I will finally be able to start using a diamond cutout as part of the "D" in Don and also punch through concrete with enough precision to recreate the "O" as well. Then read the tagline: "It Ain't Your Mama's Yoga!" is written and encircled in what I can only assume is blood from a white Bengal tiger. Goddamn, this could only be manlier if he had a unicorn's still-beating heart within his clenched fist! But how much more manliness could this exude? You're about to find out...
When the package arrived on our doorstep, I immediately cautioned my wife not to touch the box out of fear that she would instantly be impregnated. I placed the box on the kitchen table and yelled his catchphrase, "Yo! It's me, it's me, it's DDP!" expecting "Diamond" Dallas Page to tear out of the box and start barking commands. When that didn't happen I slowly opened the top, still cocksure that a fist would soon be accelerating at blinding speed towards my jaw. Okay, still nothing. Under the styrofoam packing peanuts I assumed I would find a DVD case so manly that it would have a 5 o'clock shadow, thick chest hair, and a pair of testicles as big as church bells. Only disappointment at this point.
... Not what I had in mind
The First Night
Last night I put in the first DVD, "The Diamond Dozen;" an introduction to the program and brief lessons on the 13 positions ("dozen") that would be used throughout the 11 workout series. I was waiting for DDP to pull out the bed of nails he uses for a yoga mat, but this also didn't happen. For a guy that spent his career slamming people's heads into immovable objects, I wasn't impressed. There were contemplations that maybe this was just another pussified version of yoga, that I should call this challenge a wash, and just stick to the only reason yoga should exist: hot girls in yoga pants. But then we started getting into the actual poses, for which he had a different woman of varying attractiveness get down and demonstrate each position. This part of the DVD contained enough misogyny to make a 1950s advertising executive blush and ask, "Do you think we could tone it down a little?" Actual quote from "Diamond" Dallas Page: "Yes, I brought a WOMAN to teach YOU how to do push ups!"
You would have thought when the women were done he would buy them some ice cream and pat them on their ass indicating a good job, before proceeding to laugh manically in their faces then telling them to go make him a protein shake. Although he didn't physically touch any of the women, — at least not on camera — he didn't have to; he mentally ass slapped them so hard their unborn children will come out with handprint marks. At that point, I decided to keep watching the first video. Tonight is exercise #2: "Energy"
I'll be honest; some joints and muscles are sore today. And that was just from the introduction. I have not been to the gym in over a year for various reasons. The whole premise of the entire system is what Page calls "Dynamic Resistance." Basically you engage and tighten every single muscle in your body until you move around with as much grace and poise as Frankenstein in a full body cast. This is the same move you pull when trying to hold back the biggest bowel movement of your life while shuffling foot-by-foot towards the bathroom, letting out a short bursts of flatulence each step of the way. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.