This post is part 1 of 2 demonstrating the moves that make up the entire DPP Yoga system.
The program is designed to be completed in 13 weeks, suggesting the person participate in yoga only 3 days a week — typically Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But I promised EVERY DAY for 30 days, and that's what you're going to get. I'll admit it: I'm sore. After a few days of DDP Yoga, muscles previously unknown to exist in my back, glutes, legs and hips are starting to ache. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but proves how incredibly out of shape I've become since leaving the gym a year ago and taking up the same sedentary lifestyle practiced by Kevin Federline. But it's not like I've become morbidly obese, just lazy enough to where simple stretching exercises endorsed by Rob Zombie using a series of explitives would have me questioning, "Do I really need to walk today?" Then again, torture is kind of his thing.
So, what are these moves and how effective can they really be? Effective enough to whip Enrique "I'm Not Fat, I’m Fluffy" Iglesias's 350+ pound ass into shape. The program starts with what’s called the “Diamond Dozen,” a 35-minute introduction to the 13 fundamental moves of the DDP Fitness System. Let's take a look in greater detail. Here's part 1 of 2:
#1. Ignition into Touchdown
Pull your skirt up and squat like a little girl pissing in the woods.
Air dry your pee hands.
Not dry enough? Get them closer to the sun. Look up, make sure they're dry.
Steps 4-6:Fly away from the soiled area!
#2. The Diamond Cutter
Step 1:Really highlight and showcase your vagina.
Step 2:Bring that lotus flower up to the sky. Lean back until you hear something pop. If you haven't, you're not doing it right (at least in my experience).
Step 3:Fuck you, Georgia O'Keeffe!
Step 4:Stretching that labia like an open stage curtain.
Step 5:"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?"
#3. Bar Back (Bent Leg & Straight Leg)
Step 1:Vomit pose.
Step 2:Drop the soap pose.
#4. Catcher into Thunderbolt
Step 1:Christ, not again.
Step 2:Keep squatting.
Step 3:Pass out from toxic gas leak.
Step 4:Fresh air / possible hallucination.
Step 5:Imaginary seat.
Step 6:"RAIDEN WINS!"
#5. Cobra into Downdog
Step 1:Face down.
Step 2:Into a "Joe Swanson".
Step 3:Down again.
Step 4:Push up like a man.
Step 5:Too far. I thought the last pose was "the catcher".
#6. Slow-Burn Push Ups
Step 1:... Do a fucking push up! Slowly.