Yoga isn't for everyone; I know that, you know that. While researching the subject I found over 20 different types of yoga, such as Vigorous Vinyasas, Sivananda Yoga, Kripalu, Ashtanga Svaroopa, which all sound like names more appropriate for the rolling credits at the end of a Bollywood movie. Over the last ten days — even though it's a relatively short period of time — I have definitely taken notice of some physiological and mental transformations. But how do you know if yoga is right for you? Aside from the argument that you'll inevitably have your face inches away from someone's ass as they stretch forward into a weird pose named after an animal you have never and will never encountered in person, there might be other reason to skip the yoga workout.
#5. You Want to Stay Fat
This is America, baby. The country that consumes 10 billion donuts every year. In an epic showdown between heart-pounding exercise and delicious, salty bacon, the winner is always bacon. Who wants to take 30 minutes out of their day (the average runtime for the "DDP Yoga" videos) of shoveling pound after pound of food down their gullet to lurch over to their DVD player and put in a workout video? Truth is, although there has been a steady increase in the level of difficulty, the workouts so far haven't been "heart-pounding," and I've already lost 3.5 lbs. That wasn't meant to sound braggy; in fact, I'm a little surprised at those results after only 10 days of "Wake Up", the "Diamond Dozen", and "Energy." And there are still 8 more different workouts left.
#4. You Don't Want to be Flexible
Need to pick up a Cheeto that fell on the floor? Fuck it, the dog will get it. Bend down and tie your shoe? Not while slip-ons are easily accessible! And as long as rags and sticks co-exist in the world, you'll have a way of washing yourself. Now according to the American Orthopedic Society for Sports Medicine, flexibility can help your body achieve optimal fitness levels, play a role in preventing injuries, and can even contribute to staving off conditions like arthritis and other serious illnesses. But what do they know? You're not running off and joining Cirque du Soleil or needing to do Van Damme chair splits anytime soon.
#3. You Like Feeling Stressed Out
Stress: The Silent Killer... Stress: The Number One Killer... Stress: The Killer Disease. Sounds more like a kick-ass movie trilogy starring Steven Seagal as John Stress, an ex-Navy seal seeking revenge for the murder of his family by infiltrating the CIA disguised as the personal astrologist and chef to the Emperor of Japan than it does an actual epidemic. A totally believable movie plot, by the way, given the cinematic masterpieces Seagal has released during his illustrious career. But ever fly into a rage for no apparent reason whatsoever? You're perfectly calm, enjoying your triple grande skim iced upside down iced caramel macchiato outside on the Starbucks patio until something comes along and pricks your balloon, then suddenly you're standing on the metal-grated table screaming at the douchebag smugly sitting next to you that KERRY WASHINGTON WAS ROBBED AT THE EMMY'S! CLAIRE DANES IS JUST A WHINY BITCH! Three main principles of yoga are breathing, focus, and focusing on your breathing, all of which have been shown in a number of studies to help reduce stress and anxiety. Better stay away.
#2. You Don't Want to Build Strength
Super-human strength only resides in superheroes, PCP addicts, and people who just want to save children from the clutches of certain death. You're not a superhero, probably not a PCP addict, and you may not even have kids — or you might, but they aren't worth saving. The fact is, you don't mind asking your girlfriend or elderly arthritic neighbor to pop open your spaghetti sauce jar (no, that's not a euphemism). "Girly man" has been transformed into an endearing nickname for you. Fear that you'll become "too bulky" and look like the Hulk keeps your desire to pump iron at bay. Yoga is not going to bulk you up to Ronnie Coleman or Debi Laszewski levels because our bodies are genetically predisposed to attain a ratio of body fat, bone density and lean muscle mass; however, many yoga poses will challenge your muscles and build some extra strength. You can't be too careful.
#1. You Love Your Boring Sex Life
Sex. If done correctly it can end in an orgasm. Done incorrectly it ends in a trip to the doctor for a lifetime supply of Valtrex. Because sex falls on the Awesomeness Scale right above GTA V and slightly below a winning lottery ticket, it has become quite popular. But think of all the hard work involved! First you need to get into your car (but you're too fat), drive all the way across town (but you're too stressed), call the girl over to your car, take out your wallet (but you're not flexible enough), negotiate a deal, and then wrestle the money back from her at the end of the night (but you're not strong enough). Much too labor intensive. Keep sticking to the old mantra that "a boring sex life doesn't mean a broken sex life." On the other hand — the one you haven't been using to touch yourself — The Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests "yoga helps increase body awareness and even speed the release of hormones that rev arousal. All of that translates to a boost in libido, lubrication and ability to achieve orgasm, experts say. As little as two hours a week may make a difference." Just think about that next time you're knuckle-shuffling to Scarlett Johansson's leaked tumblr photo (or Channing Tatum's abs for you all ladies... and some guys out there).
Disclaimer: This post is in no way a guarantee that you will get laid. However, once a level of flexibility is achieved to where, gentlemen, you can pull off a "Peter-North-porn-leg" stance and ladies, you can lick the backside of your knee, your chances of coitus will dramatically increase... but probably not.