First of all Merry Christmas! By now I hope you know how my family celebrates holidays (if not, then read about it). During the holidays I want to share with you some of the better insults being hurled around at each other while we're hanging out by the old yule log. As you can see, I'm well stocked in full anticipation of a blowout. I'll be updating this page frequently or posting to my Twitter feed (that will be automatically updated below, too). Enjoy!
My family rented a beach house for the week because that's how we fucking do things in Florida. Put all of us in one place and there's bound to be more shit thrown around than inside a chimpanzee enclosure at the zoo. The house is immaculate; 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 3200 sq. ft. with the sandy beach as its backyard. My aunt fell in love with it, so much so:
Aunt [to my Grandma]: You know, it's really beautiful out here. Maybe I'll have my wedding here next spring.
Grandma: Is daddy [my Grandpa, Aunt's dad] going to walk you down the aisle... AGAIN? What is this, like, the 6th time!?
Aunt: Oh, whatever. You'll probably be dead by then anyway.
Cousin #1: [she's 12, talking to my 10-year-old cousin] If you touch any of my presents, intentionally or not, I will literally kill you in your sleep.
Cousin #2: What would I want with a bunch of tampons?