Choke My Blackened Chicken and Broccoli

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #4

(Reading time: 2 - 3 minutes) - Blackened Chicken and Broccoli

DO NOT attempt to cook this in your own home without proper ventilation. Save the cooking process for your enemies' or in-laws' house. SIDE EFFECTS include involuntary crying, sneezing, coughing, difficulty breathing, excruciating pain, and temporary blindness. (I'll get to that story at the end). Consider yourself WARNED!

Ingredients (Blackened Chicken):

A military-grade gas mask — trust me.
4 4-6 oz. Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breast Tenders
Leftover Blackened Seasoning from "Once You Go Blackened Salmon... "
3 tablespoons Melted Butter

Ingredients (Broccoli)

2 cups Broccoli Florets
Ranch Salad Dressing

Directions (Blackened Chicken):

  1. Put on gas mask. This is the most important step.
  2. Heat a heavy skillet, pan, or wok on high until very hot (usually around 10 minutes).
  3. Microwave butter in microwave-safe bowl for 30 seconds or until butter is completely melted.
  4. Dip both sides of the chicken in melted butter.
  5. Coat both sides of chicken with the Blackened Seasoning.
  6. Add remaining butter the pan, skillet, or wok
  7. Cook chicken over high heat for 5-8 minutes on each side depending on thickness.
  8. Let the smoke clear. Take off your mask. And enjoy your meal.

Directions (Broccoli):

  1. Cut a head of broccoli into florets.
  2. Serve raw, stemmed, or boiled with a side of Ranch dressing for dipping.

The Story: What the Hell Happened?

Let me start by saying I don't own an industrial kitchen nor have a ventilation system that carries smoke, steam, or any other airborne toxins straight out of the house. The "vent fan" on our range hood simply disperses anything bellowing from the stovetop straight up into the air and around the room. Given the fact that I'm 6-foot-2-inches, all this does is blow shit DIRECTLY BACK INTO MY FACE at a rate of speed that should only be used when testing the aerodynamics of an airplane in a wind tunnel.

That being said, I may have underestimated the concentration of the blackened seasoning. The chicken was cooking perfectly fine on the first side, the potency hiding itself for just the right moment. Then ... BAM! The act of flipping the chicken over to it's raw, uncooked side unleashed a mushroom cloud of smoke only residents of Hiroshima would understand.

The vaporized pepper went straight into my respiratory system, making my throat drier than an 80-year-old nun's vagina during drought season in the Mojave Desert. I started coughing uncontrollably and gasping for air.

Barney, who's normally a very calm dog, was locked in a reverse sneeze that seemed to last for about 6 years. Seriously, if you've never seen a Boston Terrier — or for that matter, any short snouted dog — engaged in a "reverse sneeze," you're missing out. It looks like a recently saved drowning victim trying to catch their breath while simultaneously having a seizure.

My other dog Norm stopped, dropped, and rolled his way into my office and hid in his crate, burying his nose in his blanket. My wife came out of our bedroom to complain of her throat burning. My 8-month-old daughter, who had been fast asleep for 20 minutes, could be heard on the monitor coughing her tiny lungs out like she just spent the last 50 years working in a coal mine.

Honestly, I wish I took pictures, but I was tearing up more than a single chick watching "Sleepless in Seattle" on Valentine's Day. The effects lingered on for an hour before the asphyxiating smell finally dissipated. I think I learned my lesson...


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