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Road House: Tough Bouncer, Dirty Bar

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #3

(Reading time: 2 - 3 minutes) - Road House

Road House, starring recently deceased Patrick Swayze, hit theaters so hard in 1989 that most of them are still recovering in the ICU. Swaynze's star on Hollywood's "Walk of Fame" was forged by melting down his giant balls of brass, which he quickly regrew more ballsier and brassier than ever.

A posthumous "Lifetime Achievement Award" was almost offered to Patrick Swayze for his outstanding performance of "Dalton", but all the voting members of the committee were found with knives in their chest with a note attached that ominously read: "It was tails." You can rearrange the letters in "Patrick Swayze" to spell "A Crazy Spew Kit." And that's exactly what he fucking does: spews crazy all over the place.

The Quick Rundown of Road House

Basically, there's this bouncer named Dalton played by Patrick Swayze who lives in New York City. He doesn't look like much — in fact, his friends, co-workers, enemies and even his own doctor keep reminding him of this fact with the repeated line: "I thought you'd be bigger." He's cool, calm, collected and nice — "until it's time... to not be nice." But don't worry, he'll tell you when that time comes.

Tilghman (played by Kevin Tighe) owns a bar named "Double Deuce" in Missouri and travels to see Dalton in action. After Tilghman watches Dalton turn some miscreant's face into a key ingredient in meatloaf during his "job interview", he offers him a job at "Double Deuce," a bar that looks like it's run by Vince McMahon hosting a Royal Rumble every night of the week. They negotiate and settle on $5,000 up front, $500 per night, and paid medical expenses. Dalton packs up his bags and moves to Jasper. Missouri. - Royal Rumble

Upon his arrival, Dalton buys an old beat-up Buick and fills the trunk with a stack of used tires. Seems suspicious at first, but we quickly learn he buys them so when pissed off locals take a knife and turn his tires into playground mulch, he can quickly replace them.

Well, shit goes down because people don't like him, but he solves all of his problems with violence. Dalton finds out that Wesley (played by Ben Gazzara) is a rich motherfucker who got rich extorting all of Jasper's residence. Only one way to solve this: more violence, such as barehandedly ripping out the throat of Wesley's top enforcer — a man who made it very clear that he's "fucked guys in prison" — followed by a knife throwing extravaganza that would make Barnum and Baily pack up their circus tents and retire. - Throat Rip

In the end he walks away from killing Wesley, almost gets killed himself, but then all the people Wesley has wronged appear and — using violence — make the situation all better.

Need Further Convincing?

Every awesome part of life is in the movie:

  1. Professional wrestler Terry Funk!
  2. Stitches
  3. Hot topless blondes
  4. Hot topless brunettes
  5. Tai Chi
  6. Fighting
  7. Sex in a storage closet
  8. Unbridled revenge
  9. Witty one liners, such as:
    • "My way... or the highway,"
    • "Pain don't hurt,"
    • "Nobody ever wins a fight."
  10. Did I mention he ripped a guy's fucking throat out with his bare hands?


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