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DonDoes30.com - Manly Movies

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DonDoes30.com - Chick Flicks for 30 Days

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Challenge Completed

01/30/2014

Indiana Jones Versus Han Solo: Who Would Win?

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #3

(Reading time: 2 - 3 minutes)
DonDoes30.com - Indiana Jones vs Han Solo

Someone once told me after finding out that I've never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, "You're clearly living your life wrong. There's no point. Just go kill yourself." Thanks, mom. (Just kidding)

I understand why someone would encourage a suicide solution now that I watched Harrison Ford literally whip his way through a bunch of Ark-seeking Nazis just to have the spirits of the Ark finish off his remaining enemies by melting their faces completely off. That part was fucking awesome.

But what would happen if Indy was pitted up against a more challenging foe? Or just to level the playing field, how about, say, someone who is identical in terms of height, weight and strength? Like Han Solo, bitches!

Let The Battle Begin

Indiana Jones

DonDoes30.com - Indiana Jones

Han Solo

DonDoes30.com - Han Solo
  • Indiana Jones is actually Dr. Indiana Jones who teaches archeology to many, many horny women.
Han Solo is a smuggler whose only concerned about money. He doesn't have a classroom full of women swooning over him.
Indy's mode of transportation is horses, planes, trains, and automobiles. Really anything that moves but...
  • Han has the Millennium fucking Falcon. Enough said.
  • Indy is proficient with swords, whips, explosives, and a revolver (which he shoots first).
Han only has a random and clumsy blaster. Also, George Lucas pussified him with Greedo shooting first.
  • Has a fear of snakes, but can still move around and kick some ass.
Has a fear of Jabba the Hutt and is encapsulated in Carbonite. He can no longer move and becomes about as useful as a coffee table.
Indy is dating an alcoholic bartender. Seriously, besides me, who stops in the middle of a gun fight to take another swig of liquor... after downing 20 shots that have had seemingly no effect on her? Han is dating an incestual princess who kissed her own brother to make Han jealous. And realistically she's a princess of a planet that no longer exists. Clearly there is no winner here.
For this movie, Marion Ravenwood (Indy's girlfriend) is also his sidekick. Woman sidekick? FAIL.
  • Han has by his side a Wookie capable of detaching arms from bodies.
Indy travels the WORLD in limited speed using boring terrestrial and aquatic locomotion.
  • Han travels the entire GALAXY in outer space at light speed using a space ship! (See the Millennium Falcon above)
  • Has a sweet hat.
  • Has a sweet vest.

4

4

The Tie Breaker: What Does Harrison Ford Have to Say?

DonDoes30.com - Harrison Ford Well. He just doesn't give a fuck.

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