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DonDoes30.com - Manly Movies

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01/30/2014

5 Reasons Why Top Gun Will Only Ever Be Second Best

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #3

(Reading time: 3 - 5 minutes)
DonDoes30.com - Top Gun

Tom Cruise stars as Maverick, a Navy pilot who repeatedly questions authority, is in a constant state of insubordination, gets his teammates and himself "killed" several times during mock battles, and clearly endangers the lives of, well, everyone on planet Earth every time he takes to the sky with live ammunition and MIGs on his radar screen.

The United States military's only disciplinary course of action is to promote him — along with his boyfriend best friend, Goose — to an elite training school, known as "Top Gun." That makes sense, right?

There, he falls in love with starts a bitter rivalry with Iceman (Val Kilmer), another hotshot fighter pilot vying to graduate at the top of their class since "there are no points for second place." (More on that in a minute).

At a bar later that night, Maverick sings to, seduces, woos and eventually sleeps with one of his instructors from the academy named Charlie — who, after all the gay jokes above, you'd be surprised to learn is actually a female.

Being "the best" is the reoccurring theme of the movie, as evident by the repeated line, "no points for second place," and the fact that only the top pilot in the class gets their name inscribed on the plague with all the other great pilots before them. Also, the allusion is made that Maverick's total disregard for his own life is the product of the inferiority complex he feels because his dad was a great pilot and he's living in his dad's shadow. Nevertheless, the movie Top Gun will never be the best, and will only be...


1. The 2nd Best Tighty-Whitey Scene Involving Tom Cruise

When Tom Cruise isn't making you watch him sprint through the streets as his primary mode of transportation, he usually slips in a scene or two of him wearing his tighty-whities. Top Gun was no exception. However, this is far from the BEST tighty-whitey movie involving Tom Cruise...

DonDoes30.com - Top Gun Underwear Not really doing it for me.

The Movie With The Best Tighty-Whitey Scene Involving Tom Cruise: Risky Business

Any movie that tells the story of a budding entrepreneur transforming his house into a highly profitable brothel while his parents are away on vacation should be mandatory viewing for every business major across the United States. That plot alone is enough to distract us from watching Tom dance around in his skivvies. Understand, though, that Risky Business didn't win the "1st Place Tight-Whitey Award" because of Tom Cruise — it won because of how much we love seeing girls emulate the iconic scene every Halloween.

DonDoes30.com - Risky Business Girls Yes, please!

2. The 2nd Best Homo-Erotic Scene in a Movie

Once Maverick and Iceman laid eyes on each other, we spent the rest of the movie wondering when they were going to kiss already.

DonDoes30.com - Iceman Kiss Shit, so close!

And that's just the foreskin on the perverbial homo-erotic shaft. Everyone — including myself — knows about the shirtless beach volleyball scene that shows more smoldering sexual tension between Maverick and Goose than any scene Maverick shares with intended love interest "Female Charlie."

The Movie With The Best Homo-Erotic Scene: Zoolander

What do you get when you put four male models and a streaming supply of gasoline together? An explosive box office hit! Pun intended. DonDoes30.com - Zoolander Gas Fight


3. The 2nd Best Total Eclipse of the Heart Video

When Maverick and Charlie finally get around to bumping fuzzies, their sex scene takes place in her bedroom, lit by purplish/blue hues and wispy breezes while Tom Cruise makes more passion faces than any man ever should. The entire ambiance looks like the director ordered, "You know that music video, 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'? Yeah, just like that." DonDoes30.com - Love Scene Top Gun

The Best Total Eclipse of the Heart Video: The Literal Video Version

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" burst back into the mainstream when The Dan Band, adding several expletives to the original, performs the song in the movie Old School. Still, neither the original version nor The Dan Band version nor Top Gun can rise above The Literal Video version for the #1 spot.


4. The 2nd Best Use of an Ejector Seat in a Movie

Top Gun shows that having an ejection seat doesn't always mean you escape danger. In a move worthy of a Road Runner cartoon, Goose pulls the ejection cord on his out-of-control and crashing plane, only to smack into the canopy headfirst and break his neck before his limp, lifeless body parachutes to the water below.

DonDoes30.com - Dead Goose Reenactment

The Best Use of an Ejector Seat in a Movie: Die Another Day

You didn't think I would go an entire month of movie blog posts without once mentioning James Bond, did you? The ageless British super-spy with the ability to drink limitless vodka martinis and have sex with any woman he desires does it again when he uses the ejector seat in his Aston Martin Vanquish to flip his car upright after landing on its roof during a high speed ice chase.

DonDoes30.com - James Bond Flip Because Fuck you, gravity! That's why!

5. The 2nd Best Dogfight in a Movie

The ending of the movie involves an actual battle with enemy fighter jets over hostile waters. What enemies? Well, the film never actually makes it clear which nation the U.S. engages. They're only referred to as "the other side," presumably because director Tony Scott didn't want to pony up the money for naming rights — although I hear the name "Rwanda" is going for pretty cheap these days.

DonDoes30.com - Cloud Question Mark Oh look, they left their calling card.

The Best Dogfight in a Movie: Independence Day

No movie currently available can top the aerial battle between galactic, tentacle-faced aliens and Will "Fresh Prince" Smith. At one point, he purposely takes the duel down into a canyon, zigging and zagging around rock formations with mere inches to spare, until the last alien ship chasing him crashes.

DonDoes30.com - Will Smith Independence Day Welcome to Earf!

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