I thought I already covered the "Most Ridiculous Examples of Chinese Knockoffs That Aren't Fooling Anybody" with the last post. However, I reserved a special list specifically for toys designed by the Chinese to utterly destroy someone's childhood.
When I think back to all the action figures I had as a kid (and still have), I can't help but bask in a world of nostalgia where superheroes were always victorious over their enemies and in most cases won the hearts of the girls they desired. Today, bootleg toy makers around the world are busy cranking out action figures for all of the world's children at a fraction of the price of officially licensed toys.
Of course, to get around international copyright laws, these manufacturers have to, let's say, make a few changes to the originals. Take a look at the "Sense of Right Alliance" up there. If I were constructing a team of undeniable superheroes with a "sense of right" I would surely include a racecar, what I ascertain is a Power Ranger, a 3/4 sleeved Superman, Batman: The Animated Series, the Thing dressed up as Spiderman, and ... Shrek?
Maybe Shrek should be kicked out and replaced with one of these...
1. Space Power Warrior
Right off the bat the Chinese tried to tackle one of the most recognizable villains in cinematic history and named him "Space Power Warrior." He was, however, deservingly given a closed right hand in which to give the jerkoff motion to their entire culture.
2. Spook Chasers
Harold Ramis is rolling in his grave right now. A likeness of Egon, his famous Ghostbusters character, is chasing what appears to be a ball of phlegm with three other guys who appear to be higher than Wiz Khalifa. To even say that looks like a likeness of Slimer would be an insult to ghosts everywhere. There's even the blue ghost volunteering to be caught.
3. Politic Pat
Can't really tell which one of those eight Anime abortions is Politic Pat.
4. Laser Sword
What do you get when Charlie from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" fights an enemy who looks like a dumpster baby produced after Skeletor fucked the Crypt Keeper?
RobertCop? 3!? Not only did they use the shittiest movie from the trilogy but also named him Robert. It's Alex Murphy, you fucks!
6. Terminate and Destroy
Pretty sure Arnold sported a leather jacket and sunglasses. This is what happens when you give the guy from Double Dragon a gun.
7. Mr. Rock
Finally, the ROCK has come BACK to outer space!
First your eyes are drawn in to the ridiculous "S" on his chest, but soon you realize Superman is riding a blue velociraptor, inviting people to "TRY" the dinosaur's anus.
SpecialMan looks like what could have been if Jeff Goldblum choose the blue and red tights over The Fly.
10. Space of the Apes
No, just no.
The thought of James Spader as a superhero is too much awesome to handle, even if he lacks the creativity to come up with an alias.
12. ... And Friends
Collect them all!
This has Joel Schumacher written all over it. First "bat nipples," now a skateboard. When will the madness end?
14. Tickle Elmo
I generally stay away from toys demanding I take some action. Especially a toy with infections. This would make a better demonstration tool for showing kids the effectiveness of punctuation: "No one can resist his infections laugh" versus "No one can resist his infections. Laugh!"
15. Uncle Sam
God Bless the K.F.C.
16. Blandness Girl
Whoa! There's nothing worse than calling a girl "bland"...
17. Benign Girl
... unless you're pointing out her non-cancerous tumors!
18. Space Boys
Toy Story didn't take place in space, but it does look like Woody's hands are stuck in a vacuum so we'll call this one a wash.
19. New Style Ninja Tortoise
I thought it wouldn't get any worse than Michael Bay's reboot. I was wrong.
20. Ninja Hero Rider
At least this is a little closer to the original, right?
21. Nightmare Feddy
This doll's astigmatism is enough to give you more nightmares than that actually movie series.
22. Phone Kitty
23. Transformable Tomas
I love when some toymaker chooses a gentle character from a public television children's show and creates a violent tool of destruction.
24. Funnt Toys
That doesn't look funnt to me.
25. Pirate Cutlass: Pirates of the High Seas
The irony practically writes itself: pirates being pirated by toy manufacturing pirates. You just can't make that shit up!