Most people have probably had a shitty, disposable job at some point in their life — I know I have. Maybe you're in one now, writing a post about strange Chinese jobs, or if you're not me, you might be sitting at work reading this post on your phone in a futile attempt to escape boredom. Hell, just look at that chick spacing out.
There are some jobs found in every country (construction worker, farmer, whore) and some jobs that are solely bred from unique cultural conditions found in that particular country. For example: Only in the "good ol' U-S-of-A" can you make a good living selling trophies for champions of imaginary football leagues.
Since China will eventually take over the world, let's take a look at the jobs we will be applying for soon.
5. Fake Business Man: Only White People Need Apply
In China's bold move towards reverse affirmative action, if you're white, you're hired! But you don't actually have to possess any skills or even be professionally trained. You're one and only job is to stand around and be white.
According Chinese author Zhang Haihua, "Because Western countries are so developed, [Chinese people] think they are more well off, so people think that if a company can hire foreigners, it must have a lot of money and have very important connections overseas. So when they really want to impress someone, they may roll out a foreigner."
Meaning a successful Chinese business is one where a parade of assorted white guys in Armani suits constant pass in and out of their offices all day. But instead of hiring a white person from overseas to work for your company, it's a lot cheaper to just rent one and tote them around at your meetings, ribbon-cutting ceremonies, publicity stunts, press conferences, etc.
4. Loogie Police
Spitting is a Chinese time-honored tradition, much like baseball is to America. To the Chinese, any place your feet aren't at that exact moment is free-game to receive their lung cheese.
This was totally acceptable behavior until China agreed to host the Beijing Olympics and realized the rest of the civilized world is, well, more civilized. So the Chinese government finally decided to take a proactive approach and launch a huge campaign to teach people that spitting in public is pretty disgusting.
They hired employees to find people who were spitting and write them a ticket. Except those spit monitors got just about as much respect as meter maids and those who were caught spitting would counter attack with the uncounterable "No I didn't" argument, which somehow prevented the monitor from writing them up. So, when they didn't work, they deployed "high-tech vehicles" with video monitoring capable of recording their proof and dragging people to the van for an admission of guilt. Their fine? $2.50. That'll teach 'em.
3. Professional Line Stander
Hate waiting in line? Me too. But if you have the patience — and the bladder capacity — you can be paid $3 an hour in China to stand in line for someone.
In a country where it takes on average 5 hours to see a doctor for a routine checkup, this makes sense. In America, standing in line is only reserved for wastes of time like Harry Potter sequels or new iPhones, but Chinese people need to camp out for days just to register for housing or even get a child into kindergarten.
Anyway, I realize that unemployment is still pretty high in the United States right now, but I really don't think you're going to convince anyone stand in a queue at Comcast for $3 an hour to return your cable modem.
2. Gold Digger
This isn't "gold digging" as in the traditional sense of banging an old dude for money (which is prostitution) or heading out to California to pan for nuggets. If you've ever heard of online multiplayer games you may have heard about gold farming, where people sell large sums of virtual "money" to even lazier gamers who want to buy imaginary, virtual shit.
The whole scam is a well-organized industry employing up to 400,000 people worldwide (an estimated 80% of whom live in China) which brings in upwards of $3 billion per year!
Video game design companies have been cracking down and banning many people suspected of gold farming, but that only provides a minor inconvenience since the farmer will soon create another account and start all over again from scratch.
1. Shit Collector
"Shit" can mean so many things, but I'm talking about actual shit, feces, excrement, poop, crap... etc. Sure, we do that in the United States by collecting cow manure and processing that shit into black gold known as fertilizer. But China, well, China collects over 3 billion tons of human waste to be processed into what they refer to as "night soil."
You probably think only prisoners would be subjected to such a demeaning line of work; however, you would be wrong and the truth will shock the shit out of you (pun intended). Five college graduates — meaning they had a degree — beat 391 applicants (THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-ONE!) to work as a human-waste cleaner for the environment and sanitation bureau.
The good news for those other 391 jobless schmucks is China has decided that poop is not enough and is looking to expand into the lucrative urine market.