6 Ways Life Screws Over Left-Handed People (Part I)

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #8

(Reading time: 3 - 5 minutes)
DonDoes30.com - Sad Left Handed Person

When I posted "6 Facts About Left-Handed People That Make Them Borderline Superheroes" last week, I received a huge response from people saying that finally, FINALLY! there was someone — ME! — fighting for the minority. But, if you know me at all, I'll gladly bring you crashing right back down to reality by telling you there's another side to that silver, shiny coin of victory. A side that plagues every left-handed person.

See, I only have to be left-handed for a mere 30 days; you're going to have to live out the rest of your days in a miserable, right-handed society which is pretty damn close to modern day oppression worthy of its own "Roots" series. But don't worry, you'll die way before I do because...

6. Lefties Die Sooner

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Studies show that the number of left-handed people who make it all the way to old age is dramatically lower than the number of right-handers. How come? For starters, lefties are involved in A LOT more accidents, especially car accidents. During one study, around 1,000 people living in Southern California showed that the risk of getting into a deadly car crash was four times higher and dying in a fatal non-car accident was nearly six times higher if you were left-handed.

So why is that left-handed people are more likely to accidentally kill themselves? Are they just fatally clumsy or is nature actively seeking to extinct them? The most agreed upon explanation for lefties getting into more accidents is simply because they're living in an upside down, backwards world — at least to them.

We careen down the streets on the right side of the road, right-hand turns are total acceptable on red lights and even parking lots are designed with the right-handed flow in mind. Imagine you're down the road when a deer (most likely a right-handed deer) leaps into the middle of the lane. If you're right-handed like me, your response is most likely to swerve to the right and up onto the sidewalk, causing an old lady to drop her groceries and leap out of the way before you hilariously come to a stop on top of a fire hydrant. But if you're left-handed, you will most likely jerk the wheel left into oncoming traffic, which results in a scene with must less comedic potential.

5. Lefties Are Out of Their Goddamn Minds

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Here's a fun tidbit to share on your next blind date: Even though left-handed people make up only about 10 percent of the population, they compose a full 20 percent of schizophrenics. Not bad enough? You should know that left-handed people also have a higher risk of dyslexia, ADD and other mood disorders.

Could this be because all those right-handed scissors slowly drive them to the brink of insanity? I thought so, but a researcher at Oxford University believes that it might have something to do with a newly discovered gene called LRRTM1. The gene — although boring in name — is closely linked with left-handedness, as well as being believed to increased odds of mental instability and illness.

In fact, left-handers are vastly more prone to debilitating rages, along with a whole host of other negative emotions, such as flinging rats at passersby and screaming at their dumpsters. According to researchers, this is likely because the left and right hemispheres of a left-hander’s brain is more closely interlinked, a biological defect that leaves them vulnerable to intense mood swings.

There is even a study that suggest left-handed people are more prone to suicide than the average person; presumably due to them having to sit back and watch those healthy and fearless right-handed sons of bitches prattle around like they own the place. I'm not saying that all southpaws are automatically miserable, pissed off basket cases, but the evidence seems to show that they have to work a little bit harder than we do to fight their constant rage.

4. Lefties Are Cannibals

DonDoes30.com - Cannibals

Here we go. This may or may not be true and is currently still just a theory, but it’s accepted by a number of scientists albeit damn creepy. Basically, the idea draws on what we know of “vanishing twins” – a horror-movie process where one twin develops faster than the other twin in the womb and, disgustingly “eats” the other.

This was once believed to be extremely rare, but is currently suspected that maybe one in eight pregnancies start off as twins and ends like a Rob Zombie film. Since one in eight people don’t have a twin, we’ll let you do the math and figure out the true horror behind those numbers.

But this is the creepy part: some scientists think that most, if not all, left-handed people are former twins who devoured their right-handed sibling before birth. So in other words, they’re cannibals; bloodthirsty, flesh-eating cannibals in desperate search of right-handed flesh.

This is Part 1 of 2. Continue to Part 2.

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