6 Ways Life Screws Over Left-Handed People (Part II)

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #8

(Reading time: 1 - 2 minutes)

This is Part II of a two part series. Check out Part I before continuing.

3. Lefties Are Terrified

DonDoes30.com - Hannibal Lecter Silence of the Lambs

Speaking of cannibals...

With everything you've read so far, presumably left-handers would little scared right now. But actually science suggests they’ll be absolutely fucking terrified.

Researchers conducted an experiment in 2011 that involved subjecting people to a gruesome eight minutes of "The Silence of the Lambs" to measure their “fear response.” What they found was that reactions differed depending on which hand the subjects used to hold their back while vomiting.

Right-handers were typically able to recount the entire scene they just watched in greater detail; left-handed people were more likely to produce disjointed accounts of the film and even exhibited symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

You read that correctly. A disorder commonly suffered by emergency responders, veterans of war and escaped victims of serial killers, kidnappers, and rapists actually began to emerge after watching eight minutes of a movie that isn't so much a horror film as it is a psychological thriller.

So how does the mere sight of Anthony Hopkins trigger a mental breakdown? Once again because of that left hemisphere/right hemisphere brain thing. In left-handers, the right side of the brain tends to be dominant, and you guessed it, that's also the side involved in the shit-your-pants-from-terror response.

2. Lefties Are Outcasts in School

DonDoes30.com - Classroom Righty Desks

If you really think about it, it's kind of amazing how left-handed people are as emotionally stable as they are, though. Right off the bat, left-handed kids realize the world isn't quite built with them in mind.

At school, it's exam time. You're suffering from awful back and neck cramps? Why? Right-handed desks! And scissors! And pencils! Okay, maybe not pencils, but everything else. On computers, the mouse defaults on the right side. Interested in wood or metal shop? Be careful! The safety switches on all those spinning and stabbing blades are set up to be quickly accessible to right-handed people.

If you're one of us — the 90 percent of people born right-handed — you probably weren't even aware that you were using a "right-handed desk," but, in fact, most school desks are biased toward right-handed people, forcing lefties to contort their bodies into a desperate attempt to reach across and take notes in our awkward left-to-right written language while their hand smudges everything they write, on a desk designed for their very own reflection. Southpaws just have to work it out on their own until they finally try to drown the pain by spilling beer down their shirt from a right-handed beer mug.

Of course, being a left-handed student in this day and age isn't as bad as when your grandparents went to school, a time when teachers were allowed to solve the problem by beating left-handed kids with paddles. Still, that's not the worst thing to even happen to minorities.

1. Lefties Are Universally Hated

DonDoes30.com - Pitchfork Mob

Look on the bright side though, left-handed people in the U.S. of A should consider themselves lucky that they only need to be concerned about awkward tools. Other parts of the world are much, much less forgiving.

In certain parts of Africa, Europe and much of the Far East, it's actually majorly offensive to use your left hand for anything besides wiping your ass. Because of this, the left hand is considered unclean and carries a cultural stigma. This makes being left-handed especially awkward in social situations since waving hello, giving a high five, or — God forbid — trying to shake another's person hand with your left is akin to slapping them in the face with your balls.

Also, lefties have to be careful not to use their left hand to give or accept gifts, eat food, or pass objects to another person. Lest they forget, a common scene would be to see their dinner guests gasping in horror, like they just passed them a steaming bowl of cat piss.

Even our very own language of the left has always brought negative connotations. When you deliver an insult disguised as flattery, it is known as a "left-handed compliment." The dictionary defines being left-handed as something that implies being "clumsy and awkward."

And this goes back a long way. The word "left" derived from the Old English word "lyft,"- which meant "weak" or "foolish." And "sinestra," the Latin for "left," is where we get the word "sinister." Why do you think your confidant is your "right-hand man?" It's because the guy on your left can't be trusted.

With all this history to contend with, it would have been better if you were just born with a huge vagina on your forehead instead of being born left-handed.

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