With all due respect to weddings, the birth of children, anniversaries, birthdays, and warm summer nights, sports are the most important thing in the universe, EVER! And I'm talking about real sports here, not bowling or the WNBA. Sports are as American as apple pie and morbid obesity, which is probably caused by all the apple pie; I don't know, I'm not a doctor.
We've all heard the names Babe Ruth, Joe Montana, Tiger Woods, and Michael Jordan — these are the LEGENDS who inspire us with awe and wonder. The very mention of their names conjurs up memories of victory and triumph with enough emphasis to bring a tear to your father's eye. I'm here to talk about... none of them. Why? Because none of those guys gave into a gluten allergy, unlike these athletes...
1. Isaiah Mustafa
Ladies, you know Mustafa as the guy from the Old Spice commercials. Guys, you probably don't know him at all. Mostly because his entire NFL career was a fixture on the practice squads of the Oakland Raiders, Cleveland Browns, and Seattle Seahawks. I'll put it to you this way, Terrell Owen's genital warts have seen more regular season games than Mustafa.
DISCLAIMER: I have no evidence that T.O. suffers from any STDs, but come on, that dude's been inside more women than ovarian cancer.
2. Dennis Hallman
Hallman is a badass MMA fighter with a current record of 53-14-2 and 1 no contest. That means 70 people have fought him, all of whom have left behind at least 30% of their face on Hallman's knuckles. His opponents' only strategy is to curl into a ball and hope the local blood bank is well-stocked for their blood type. His fucking nickname: Superman. Yet this Superman's kryptonite is gluten. Boom! Nailed it!
3. Sarah Jane Smith
Saying golf is a sport is like saying Canada is a country — we all take liberties sometimes when describing something. If Smith really wanted to do something incredible for the golf community worth watching, she could have a lesbian affair with Natalie Gulbis.
4. Amy Yoder Begley
Even sports fans don't watch the Olympics for the sport. We watch to snicker at the inferiority of any and every country whose acronym isn't U.S.A. However, not all American Olympians bring home the gold. Begley placed 26th in the finals of the 10,000 meters at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, putting her speed just slightly above Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons."
5. Justin Morneau
Morneau's body has constantly failed him. Even before we get to the gluten allergy, Monreau has endured operations on his neck, left knee, right foot, left wrist, suffered a season-ending concussion from a knee-to-the-head collision at second base back in 2010, and a second concussion in 2011. Doctors have yet to prove he's NOT a Mortal Kombat character.
6. Sabine Lisicki
Move the fuck over, Anna Kournikova. You hit your 30s and we've replaced you with a newer model: the very blonde, very nubile Sabine Lisicki. Hopefully, that imaginary dick she is about to suck in that picture is gluten-free.
7. Cedric Benson
Benson somehow found the time to play in the NFL between boating while intoxicated, resisting arrest, driving while intoxicated, punching a bartender in the face, assaulting a family member, and presumably failing to return his library books on time. Also, he has celiac disease, which is just as bad, if not worse, as having played for the Cincinnati Bengals.