Plain and simple: I failed. But nothing is always plain and simple. Not counting the hour of TV watched during Challenge #1: No Internet, TV, or Smartphone, this is the first challenge out of five that I'll be receiving a punishment.
Believe or not, as each day has gone by it has been easier and easier to live on a gluten-free diet. Picking foods becomes second nature as you learn to memorize the list of foods that contain gluten. So what the fuck happened?
Here's the rundown: I was out with some friends for dinner on Tuesday night — local sports bar, nothing fancy. Because liquor is still allowed on a gluten-free diet, I ordered "a Jack and Coke with gluten-free ice," (a item that required a very confused waitress to "check on that"). She even confirmed that their ice was gluten free.
Towards the end of the night there were only five of us left and someone ordered a bucket of beers for the table. Five guys, five beers. Not being one to turn down free alcohol, I gladly accepted when the frosty brew was passed my way. There you have it. All of this for one lousy Bud Light.
According to the iron-clad rules established at the beginning of the month to which my attorney still can't find a loophole somehow: "Since 'gastrointestinal purging' (a.k.a. pissing out your asshole) is a very common symptom for someone suffering from a gluten allergy, I will have to take a laxative any time I ingest (either willingly or unknowingly) a product containing gluten."
Pretty open and shut case.
How do you know I actually took a laxative? Well, that's what YouTube is for. But if you know anything about me, you'd know I wasn't going down without a fight.
That's right. My bowel moving concoction consisted of 8oz. of lemon flavored magnesium citrate and 2oz. of Jack Daniel's. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. If I have to drink something that tastes like dried horse piss and rancid lemonade, I'm going to mix some whiskey in too. Rationale like that is what makes me American.
I got cocky. Hours passed before I felt anything. I figured, "Shit, a laxative can't bring me down! I'm Don fucking P!" Then, approximately four hours after the video was recorded, absolute hell broke loose. There aren't many times I can say I actually started sweating while taking a shit, but this had to have been one of them. Everything you've seen in "Dumb and Dumber" after Jim Carrey slips Jeff Daniels is totally true.
If you want to read more about my bowel movements, I have a hilarious story about shitting my pants on the first day of work in my book, "From the Bottom of the Bottle."