Side Effects of Gluten-Free: Dreams

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #5

(Reading time: 2 - 4 minutes) - Freddy Krueger

I understand that dreams aren't really supposed to make any sense. They're just something that happens when you pass out for the night and your brain decides to fuck with you for eight hours about getting chased down by a cybernetic Bill Murray while all your teeth and fingernails fall out.

But you're probably thinking you never have dreams that vivid. Hell, most people can barely dream at a third grade level. I used to dream about my mundane life or stock market prices or even some random, boring news story. But in the absence of gluten, dreams have become wilder than a weekend with Charlie Sheen driving a van full of hookers.

Whether or not this is a true side effect of cutting gluten from my diet, I'm not sure; I couldn't find anything to support this on the internet. All I know is these dreams started when the gluten stopped — and these are only the ones I remember!

The Marty McFly - Marty McFly I was kidnapped and locked in a tool shed but escaped using the captors' car. While speeding away I evaded two tornados coming towards me. Once safe, I met Michael J. Fox. He wanted to hang out and party but only as long as I invited my friend Brad to come along. The three of us hopped on a cruise ship where I demanded that I film my movie despite not having a script. We were all kicked off and I started walking home from Arizona when I found 2 stray Boston Terrier puppies.

The Iron Mike - Mike Tyson My parents and I were visiting New York City. We were having such a great time sightseeing that we ended up running late for our departing flight, but neither one of my parents seemed to care since we HAD TO attend our going away party hosted by Mike Tyson. The party took place in the basement of an old speakeasy with stained glass windows. Mike Tyson insisted on giving everyone at the party a lap dance. I waited nervously.

The Carlton - Alfonso Ribeiro I decided a great way to diversify my investments was to purchase a restaurant with a portrait of Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton from "Fresh Prince") hanging on the wall. The realtor insisted we sign the paperwork at the restaurant itself "because of tradition." However, every time we went in to finalize the deal, the place was immediately robbed. This happened at least four times. The fifth time I was able to slip out the back window. Two guys realizing I was distraught offered to buy me a cigar at the bar next door and hang out. I didn't know they were the robbers and I was arrested with them when the cops arrived.

Where in Honduras? - Honduras Flag I decided to go skydiving with a co-worker. We boarded the plane, took off, and hit our cruising altitude relatively quickly. The pilot said because of new laws we couldn't jump out until we reached Honduras. Once we got the "all clear," we all jumped (including the pilot). We landed pretty hard and were "welcomed" by what I can only describe as ewok/gremlin hybrids. There were dozens of them. The pilot said we flew too far south. He was then promptly stabbed in the head with a spear. I ran for days and found a camp ground in the middle of the forest. I tried to start a fire by rubbing a nickel and a broken fishing pole together. The fire never sparked.

Hulkamania Running Wild - Hulk Hogan Hulk Hogan and I were hanging out around Ybor City in Tampa, Florida. He got a call from Vince McMahon about wrestling that night. Hulk was going to need a tag team partner and volunteered me. "I Am A Real American" (Hogan's theme music) started playing and we stepped out in front of the crowd. I noticed Hulk was wearing the same metallic suit he wore in "Suburban Commando." Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang were waiting for us in the ring. I screamed out, "Holy shit! We're on the set of Rocky III!"


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