Gluten-Free Foods That Taste Like Shit

Written by Don P on . Posted in Challenge #5

(Reading time: 2 - 3 minutes) - Cow Shit

I am from a traditional Italian family that revolves mostly around food. Hell, we spend the majority of our time during dinner planning the next meal while we're still fucking eating.

And that's not an easy task when you "can't cook with this" or "have to substitute that" or "dammit, does EVERYTHING have gluten in it?" Remember, though, this challenge wasn't just "giving up" gluten as much as it was about eating products made gluten-free that would have normally contained gluten. This includes gluten-free cookies, gluten-free pasta, gluten-free beer — you get the point.

While I was suprised that a few gluten-free items actually tasted pretty good, there were many more that tasted like piss-soaked cardboard. Such as...

Redbridge Beer - Redbridge Beer

After sensing they needed a new direction on beer, Anheuser Busch started bottling Clydesdale piss and labeling it gluten-free, which sounded like a great marketing idea at the time.

There are only a few times when Anheuser Busch products are acceptable: For instance, you don't like the taste of beer, you live in Utah, or you're out of Gatorade and need some hydration. But there is NO excuse for drinking their gluten-free beer Redbridge. None.

Flat Coca-Cola mixed with Ipecac is a better alternative to this beer and would probably make you throw up less than Redbridge would.

Ener-G Bread - White Rice Loaf Bread

Everyone, and I mean everyone, on a gluten-free diet whom I spoke with advised me to buy "anything and everything Udi's makes since it's the BEST EVER! Especially their bread!!!" Not being one to give into conformity, I said, "Fuck Udi and fuck you, too!" and bought the cleverly named "Ener-G Bread" instead.

To be able to accurately describe Ener-G Bread would mean I would have to introduce new words into the English language — mostly new swear words. With a name like "Ener-G" I expected it to somersault off the table, punch me in the face, and force itself down my throat. Imagine my surprise when this didn't happen.

At the very least, one of the ingredients should have been caffeine! How dare them use a clever pun like "Ener-G" and totally skimp on the actual energy.

Ancient Harvest Quinoa Pasta - Quinoa Pasta

Remember earlier when I said I was Italian? Yeah, that wasn't a joke — I'm one generation away from being a Super Mario Brothers character. My grandparents on my dad's side came over here from Italy in 1919 and are probably rolling in their mausoleum knowing I ate "quinoa pasta."

The consistency, taste, and texture was all off. The first batch came out tasting like mushy Cheerios that had sat in rotten milk for a few days. Second batch wasn't much better even though I cut off a few minutes from the recommended cooking time to not make them so spongy.

Their slogan is "Once you try our amazing pasta, you'll never go back to plain noodles again." Presumably because you'll end up killing yourself after trying this.


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