Many people don't know — or may have forgotten — that I am actually a real-life ordained minister. That's right, Reverend Don P. is available to preside over marriages, baptisms, peaceful rites, funerals, blessings, spiritual coaching, and all other religious ceremonies of the church. Pretty fucking scary, isn't it?
You may be thinking I had to undergo a painstaking (and totally sacred) process involving years of seminary study, strict biblical discipline, writing a dissertation on the reflection of nature and man, and then balancing a glass of wine on my head while hopping across a series of crumbling pillars without spilling any wine to retrieve the precious Spear of Destiny.
You're pretty close, but also totally wrong. All I had to do was click on this link, fill out some basic information, verify my email address, and wait a few days. That's it; there are no other pages or forms after that. No identification needed (you don't even need to use your real name), no tests, no ethical or moral dilemma short essays — absolutely no qualifications, whatsoever. I had a tougher time trying to get into an R-rated movie three weeks ago.
And the best part: They don't even require a criminal background check. You could have spent the better part of the last decade raping tiger cubs in front of third grade classes on zoo field trips, and you can still become an ordained minister, perfectly capable of performing legally binding prison weddings so "Mad Dogg" and "Captain Stabs-a-Lot" can finally stop living in sin.
If you need to get married in a quick pinch and don't have time to call me, just find the nearest homeless guy and offer to buy him a 40-ounce of St. Ides if he agrees to just fill out a short questionnaire you have open on your cell phone, and then sign his name a piece of paper with presumably his own feces. Drop that marriage license in the mailbox and enjoy knowing your Holy Matrimony was performed by a guy who lives behind the Pizza Hut and whose first name is barking.
Review: 3 Steps to Ordainment
- Step 1: Go to this website (or this one) and fill out the required information.
- Step 2: Verify your email address.
- Step 3: Wait a few days until you receive your confirmation email.
And the best part: If you're willing to actually perform wedding ceremonies, there's no regulation on how you choose to do so — it's totally up to you (and the couple, in a small way). Perhaps you'll only agree to marry people during commercial breaks while watching Mob Week on AMC. Maybe your fee is an aquatic interpretive dance that requires the entire wedding party's participation to graphically re-enacting the night the groom was conceived. Or maybe nobody is allowed to blink or you'll storm out in a fit of rage and the whole thing is called off!
I'll only agree to sign off on the marriage certificate if all parties involved explicitly acknowledge that their marriage is objectively a horrible, horrible idea. Like if the whole ceremony takes place hurtling through the air on snowmobiles over an active volcano, sign me up! Besides, like me, you're probably only going to get ordained a whim anyway, and you will have absolutely no regard for the institute of marriage, the sanctity of religion, the value of human life or the importance of public indecency laws anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is get creative and make it memorable.
BONUS: Other Don P Wedding Ideas
- Dress up like the Freddy Krueger and whip the couple with an extension cord after every sentence.
- Insist that everybody in the audience must constantly be spinning and don't finalize the marriage until the bride and groom vomit.
- Perform the ceremony naked from the waist down.
- Have all the invited children sing "It's a Small World" in canon for an entire hour.
- Punched the groom in the dick right as he goes in for the bridal kiss.