SCENARIO: Let's say I take you out on a boat after a long day of typing. We're drinking some handpicked beer and wine while I grace your body with a finely chosen tattoo. Then, all of a sudden, a rogue wave capsizing the boat, tossing your body around and injuring you to the point of near death. Do I let you die and just pray for your soul? Or do I repair your torn flesh? Because now I can do BOTH.
Two hours of an online first aid certification from FirstAidforFree.com and I'm practically a doctor, which literally gives me permission to play God. [According to my lawyer, although I have all the alcohol dependency issues of a doctor, I am NOT, in fact, a doctor nor am I allowed to play God — that reasoning simply won't hold up in court.]
However, I am allowed to help injured persons in crisis situations whom require basic (very basic) first aid care. Such as apply a Band-Aid, provide an icepack, and dial 911. Or, as I learned during training, dial 999 in the United Kingdom (but who would really want to save those assholes?).
Course Outline and Highlights
As implied by the name, the first aid course at "First Aid for Free" is FREE. Here is the entire course:
Module 1: Introdcution
- First aid is designed to HELP people. That sucks if you're like me and generally dislike the majority of the population.
- 3 P's of First Aid — Preserve life; Prevent further injury; Promote recovery.
- The main principle of incident management is "YOU are the most important person and your safety comes first." That's great for a selfish, self-centered son of a bitch like myself. The entire concept should be renamed to "Me First" Aid.
- If you're dealing with blood and/or other bodily fluids and don't have latex gloves within immediate reach, use a plastic bag (or that expired condom in your wallet, you sexless bastard).
Module 2: Unconscious People
- Shake them vigorously. No wait, that's babies. This course advises you "shout loudly in both ears and tapping them on the shoulders."
- Check their breathing and roll them on their side to prevent them from choking on their tongue and allowing any vomit to drain away from their airway. (Think passed-out-drunk friend from college).
- If not breathing, perform CPR.
Module 3: Bleeding
- Major bleeding is life threatening. Also, minor bleeding one week a month from the vagina can be life threatening if you say the wrong thing to person attached to that vagina. Gentlemen, you have been warned.
- Shock can occur when someone has lost half of their blood volume.
- Minor wounds can be resolved with an antiseptic and bandage, followed by a lifetime of ridicule for being a such a pussy.
Module 4: Burns
- Burns can range from a minor sun burn all the way up to Paul Walker. (Too soon?)
- Most burns can be treated with cool water and a non-stick bandage. Consult a real doctor for anything more serious.