"There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse."
— Quentin Crisp
I can only read so much, take so many long drives around town, or talk with my wife so long before realizing, "My eyes hurt"; "What the hell are you doing? Gas costs $3.60 per gallon"; and "This conversation is just going to turn into an argument."
If you really know me then you realize how jam-packed my garage has been over the years. In my prime — between roommates coming and going, leaving behind most of their shit to me replacing old technology but thinking, "I could probably still use that Pentium III computer someday," to "Sure, that treadmill motor is broken TODAY, but I'll get around to rebuilding it," — I would have made the main subject of A&E's Hoarders blush and say, "Maybe it's time you threw something away."
Okay, maybe it's not THAT bad
But even after arriving at that realization, I'm still shocked as to what I find while cleaning out my garage.
1. Quite Possibly the First Digital Camera Ever Produced
Michelangelo was able to chisel the Statue of David in less time than it takes for the shutter speed on this camera to respond. Sadly, the pictures produced from this camera have more Megapixels than the current cell phone I'm using.
2. VHS Collection
Bluray is for pussies and DVDs are for hipsters; VHS is where it's at. Rumor has it that VHS beat Betamax solely because of the amount of porn titles that were being distributed via VHS. This of course could be an urban legend, but hey, that would make a kick ass story.
3. Overdue Blockbuster Video
Did you catch it? The VHS in the upper right corner of my collection. Yup, that's right. It's a RENTED tape from Blockbuster video. I posted this picture on Facebook about a month ago. Shareholders went wild with the belief that my late fee alone will be the sole reason Blockbuster survives bankruptcy and makes a come back.
4. A VCR
You didn't think I would have all those VHS tapes and NOT have a VCR, did you? That shit still runs to this day. It's beaten out three girlfriends, two DVD players, a DVD burner, and it once ran a Tough Mudder. Talk about a friend to the end. Hidey-ho, ha ha ha!
5. An Original Playstation
Before Playstation, videogames weren't all that impressive. Sure, there was always exeptions: Donkey Kong Country, Mortal Kombat, and Super-fucking-Mario Kart, but sometimes we demanded more! We wanted three dimensional graphics! Enter Playstation. *note: Resident Evil still scares the shit out of me every time I play it.*
6. 70's-80's Star Wars Figures (Complete with Darth Vader Carrying Case, of course)
If you haven't seen the original Star Wars trilogy then you need to reexamine your life. In this case, suicide would be a solution. But Star Wars extended from the screen to a plethora of licensing deals that turned George Lucas from a guy with impenetrable hair and steel wool beard to a rich motherfucker with impenetrable hair and steel wool beard.
7. Late 80's - Early 90's Hasbro WWF Wrestling Figures
Before John Cena there was The Ultimate Warrior. Before "Stone Cold" Steve Austin there was "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Before there was the Rock there was Hulk fucking Hogan. I bought them all, collected them, and ended up with legends like those all the way to ... Doink the Clown? Yup, you're looking at that picture correctly.
8. A CRT Computer Monitor
Oh, the reason you had to get into work 15 minutes early just so the monitor could "warm up." You have a better chance "warming up" Betty White (if you know what I mean) in less time than it takes one of these to fully boot.
9. The Death of Superman
I'm not a comic book geek by any stretch of the imagination; I own a total of seven, and that's during my entire life. But waiting anxiously on edge as Superman had a showdown with Doomsday was classic. Everyone owned this comic, there was no escaping it. Classic comics like these never die.
10. Ren & Stimpy: Spiderman vs Powdered Toast Man
Remember what I said about classic? The same people that brought you "Don't Wizz on the Electric Fence", log, and "Happy-Happy Joy-Joy" had some time left over (unbelievably) to produce this comic. Chances are, this is only one of two still in existence. The value should be close to an Action Comics #1.
If you're into cat food that tastes like cardboard then I would suggest picking up some MREs at your local camping store, survival shop, or even Amazon.com. I used these for camping... 5 years ago. Supposedly they're still good, but I'll let you find out.
12. Easy St. Sign
Oh, the memories. There's an entire chapter in my book about the night I stole this sign. But only after falling into a ditch, knocking out a tooth, losing a sandal, royally fucking someone's leg up, and waking up an entire neighborhood. It was a slow Tuesday for me.
13. And Finally... Tupac
Maybe? No? Yes?