"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio."
— Gerald R. Ford
Saying the Jacksonville Jaguars are having a pretty drab season is like saying Haiti is a little impoverished. They're breaking records left and right but for all the wrong reasons. Any time a franchise has to offer free beer for its fans to come to games, indicates a very bad season. A Super Bowl spot was futile even before the season began, a playoff berth out the window as soon as they stepped out on the field in week one, hell, even a winning season has been thrown out the window at this point, but fans (true fans) still keep watching each week. Now there's a way to minimize those aches and pains that come along with being a Jaguars fan: don't watch. You still want to know what's happening though? Throw the game on the radio, sit back and listen in, because there are three advantages I've found in doing so:
#1 - Commentary is More Dramatic
I quit watching golf years ago because the monotone voices of the commentators could put me into a deeper coma than that of Terri Schiavo. Football is slowly regressing to contain as much presentational enthusiasm as your aunt's eulogy. Let's take a look:
TV Commentator: "Would you just look at Peyton Manning..... Broncos are lined up..... There's the snap..... Pay attention to the defense..... Manning throws..... and the pass is complete..... Wes Welker pushed out of bounds at the 20, but still good for a first down..... Did you see how he did that?"
Radio Commentator: "Manning lined up in a shotgun formation. Decker and Thomas on the left, Welker on the right. Ball is snapped. DEFENSE IS GOING FOR A SACK! MANNING MOVES OUT OF THE WAY! HE THROWS!!! BALL IS IN THE AIR AND CAUGHT BY WELKER!!! WELKER IS AT THE 40!!! THE 30!!!! 25!!!!! PUSH OUT OF BOUNDS AT THE 20!!! FIRST DOWN BRONCOS!!! WHAT A CATCH!!! WHAT A RUN!!!"
#2 - Pure Imagination
Remember as a child you could lay around all day staring up at the sky, using your childlike imagination to see those clouds as giant boobs and boners. Well, you still have that keen ability of imagination, but because of Michael Bay movies, it has mostly been sucked away. Although radio and imagination haven't always mixed so well together in the past, you can still use your mad porno-cloud skills to conjure up anything about the game your perverted heart desires. Prefer to imagine those players as giant crocodiles? Go ahead. Want to turn the field into an intergalactic boxing ring floating aimlessly through space? Why not! How about replace the players with those of the Lingerie Football League? Have at it champ.
This is actually how I've been imagining the entire 2013 Jaguars season thus far.
#3 - Don't Have to See Horrible Plays or Referee Calls
It's true, ignorance is bliss. More balls have dropped to the ground this year at Everbank Field than the shower room floor at a senior citizens' activities center. And no one wants to see either one of those events. Radio does a great job of masking how horrible those incomplete passes can really be. Some of the passes that I've seen thrown on TV this year by Henne and Gabbert could have been caught by my great-grandmother ... and she's been dead for over 20 years.
"Move those CHAINS!"
Then there are the god-awful calls made by referees. And the replays that show them over and over and over again. No one will ever forget the controversies involving the replacement refs during the season of 2012. Take your standard "Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey" show, have all the animals snort cocaine, shoot the ringleader to death, and you still wouldn't have level of insanity that made up the NFL Circus. Some calls were downright laughable, while other made you angry enough to want to punch a nun square in the chest. Although the competency of penalty calls has improved since the actual referees came back to work, there have still been some shitty decisions this season.