WARNING For My Female Readers: This post contains math. Please feel free to take reading breaks at any time to prevent sudden headaches, dizziness, confusion, memory loss, and even possibly a seizure or stroke.
Have you ever been nervously standing in the aisle of a grocery store staring at the myriad of options while trying to accomplish long division in your head in order to determine if the 16-ounce salsa for $2.79 is more or less cost-effective than the 24-ounce for $4.25? Of course not, leave that shit for the Asians — you have a calculator on your smartphone. A few simple taps and you can easily conclude within a few seconds that the 16-ounce is actually .003 cents cheaper per ounce!
But, because the Samsung t139 cellphone I'm temporarily using doesn't have a calculator, there I was, standing there for 17 minutes using the old noggin: "Okay, Don. Carry the 2, multiply by the reciprocal... Pi equals 3.14, right? Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. The hypotenuse of a triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two shorter sides... AND BAM!... $4,826 per ounce... Something doesn't seem right." All those numbers swirling around caused me to become completely oblivious to the fact that the answer printed clearly on the actual label itself.
Well I'll be damned.
So, while you're fiddling around with so much calculating power that you can calculate nonlinear partial differential equations, quantum field theory equations, and Mocanu's velocity composition paradox all simultaneously before your Twitter feed finishes loading, I'll stick to a trusty solar-powered old school digital display calculator that allows me to sophomorically spell "BOOBS", "BOOBIES", "BOOBLESS", "BIGBOOBS", "GIGOLOS", "LOOSE", "ASSHOLE", "ASSHOLES" and "HOLES".