By now, I've been on at least 10 cruises, maybe more. Living on the peninsula known as "Florida" means you're surrounded by water and cruise ports, five to be exact, each within a 2 to 3 hour drive from one another. You can't NOT end up on a cruise at some point. [That's a double negative, motherfuckers!]
For anyone who hasn't been on a cruise before, just think of the experience as all the fun of traveling to an exotic resort, except if you leave that resort for any reason during the majority of your time aboard, you'll probably drown or be eaten by a fucking shark.
Of course, like any vacation, people can come up with complaints — like the ones we've seen here — that seem absolutely insane to any rational human being. I'm not talking about a cruise-ship-turned-cesspool like we saw a few years ago; I'm talking about unreasonable shit like this...
1. What? WHAT!?
The first complaint comes from a lady who was on a Mediterranean cruise. She complained about the sea being too loud, claiming it had prevented her from having a decent night’s sleep during her vacation. She suggested that the cabins be "better sound-proofed against the sounds of the sea."
2. Alaska is Beautiful This Time of Year
A man who went on a summer cruise around Alaska complained that the weather wasn't as warm as he expected. He thought he would be able to "swim in the swimming pool each day" and "get an impressive tan." He stated that "all cruises are meant to be hot" and wanted some compensation for having to buy warmer clothing since he "had only packed minimal clothing for the expected hot weather."
3. No Soup For You
An elderly couple who went on a cruise around Europe asked for a refund because the cruise staff did not provide them with a packed lunch daily after docking to take with them when leaving the ship. According to them, this should have been provided, despite no discussion of this as an option ever taking place.
4. 20%... Minimum
A couple had the nerve to complain about the kindness of the staff on board a cruise they ventured on in October. Their explanation was that they had to spend "a lot more money than planned in tips" due to the excellent customer service. The couple sought compensation for the cost of the tips given out.
5. A Feat of Engineering
One woman was utterly disappointed with her inside cabin not having a window looking out to the sea. Furthermore, she was pretty pissed since she claimed "nobody" on board was able to install a window for her so she could enjoy the view, and expected "better service next time."
6. Hold the Boat!
A couple taking a voyage on a Mediterranean cruise complained to the staff about their captain being "rude" and failing to comply with their wishes. Apparently, the couple had left a note for the captain in the morning to let him know they would be returning on-board two hours later than the planned departure time due to having "too much to do in-port." The captain left port on time without waiting for them. The couple then had to catch the ship at another port the day after, and wanted compensation for their additional travel costs.
7. Who the Fuck is Gary Barlow?
A young woman on a Hawaiian cruise told the customer service team that she had heard that Gary Barlow (Yeah, I had to Google him too) was once on the same cruise she had ventured on, but failed to see him on the ship this time. She demanded a clear explanation as to why he wasn’t on the same cruise again this time.
8. ...Speaking of Celebrities
A woman on a "Celebrity Cruises" ship asked for a full refund in June last year, simply because she didn’t see any celebrities on board. According to her legal expertise, the company was guilty of "false advertising" due to the lack of actual celebrities on the actual ship.
9. Quick Draw McGraw
There are always a few cruisers who complain of slow dinner service, despite the great effort by many cruise ship employees. However, one particular woman complained that her waiter was "too quick" and made her "feel rushed" throughout the entire meal.
One man said he was unhappy that his bed was "too comfy" because he overslept on more than one occasion when he would have "preferred to be up early and making the most of his cruise."
BONUS: Orange Isn't the New Black
One insane fashion conscious cruiser was heard complaining to staff during the required safety drill that her orange life jacket didn't match any of the shoes she packed for her trip.