Every week from August to February, you can sit down and watch an infinite stream of NFL games, pregame shows, halftime recaps, postgame shows, and give yourself an excuse to get totally shitfaced. Seriously, if you're not downing at least a case of beer, a bottle of Old Granddad, and whatever wine your wife or girlfriend has leftover from her last "girls' night", then you're doing it all wrong. Check out my guide to drinking if you need some help.
Don't want to watch it at home? Just go to nearest NFL football stadium and make a complete ass out of yourself because no one will give a shit nor be able to do anything about it. Some weeks will be joyful cheering and high-fiving strangers; other weeks you'll be wallowing in the 5th circle of Hell with just the right amount of despair mixed in for good measure. Especially if you drafted both Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson to your fantasy football team this year, but I digress.
How The New Orleans Saints Were My Downfall
The New Orleans Saints — who literally needed an act of Congress to even exist — are going to be the bane of my existence. Maybe it's the totally racist origins of the "Who Dat?" chant. That's right, the origins of "who dat" can be traced back to minstrel shows where white people in blackface would perform an opening gag with that saying. Just think of that the next time you chant it, you racist assholes.
Maybe it's the fans' undying dedication to a team that has the fifth worst overall record (.441) in the NFL. Admittedly, I'm a Jacksonville Jaguars fan, so you can probably understand the frustration felt in recent years. Nevertheless, to all you other Jags fans out there, with an overall record of .471, the Jaguars are NOT as bad as the Saints. Suck on that, Drew Brees!
Or maybe, just maybe, it's the asinine use of "eaux" suffix for EVERYTHING relating to any Louisiana team. Trust me, you're not Cajun, your name is probably Phillip or Heather. And if you are Cajun, just use a goddamn "O" instead. This is where I faltered — by calling out every Saints fan on my Facebook feed with this post:
This was posted instinctively, without any thought, rationale, or regard to any consequences. Had I excluded the brackets and hashtag, the post would have been a satirical observation about Saints fans. But, with the additional commentary, everything blew up in my face, and in less than 3 hours from the original post, I was being called out:
Fourteen days of not complaining just went completely down the shitter.