Each and every new iPhone release is met with more eager anticipation than Jesus Christ returning to Earth with a Blu-ray copy of Ghostbusters III. Apple "enthusiast" camp out for days to buy a product they could have had in their pocket two years ago, just under a different brand name. To them, an iPhone is the pinnacle of human achievement and most love it more than their own family.
The original iPhone that was launched in 2007 was revolutionary; I'll give you that. Touch screen, sleek operating system, and apps (Oh. My. God. ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING APPS!). Hell, Apple was able to sell 25 units per second just during the opening weekend, and soon stores were reporting shortages within the first hour. Those lucky enough to get their hands on the first iPhone then removed their tightly wrapped lips from Steve Jobs' dong to tell the world how fucking awesome their new phone was.
And how did Apple return the favor to their legion of fans? By slashing the price within a few weeks and releasing a new phone — the iPhone 3 — a year later, making the first generation obsolete four times faster than the XBOX to XBOX 360 release.
A History of iPhone Problems
With each iteration of the iPhone, new problems always seem to creep up and emerge faster than a child molester at a Chuck E Cheese. Before I even begin to tackle the iPhone 6 and iOS 8, let's take a look back in history:
- No 3G when 3G was on EVERY phone.
- Locked into a contract with AT&T.
- Camera has no flash or options.
- No removable battery.
- No physical keyboard (this used to be a complaint until other companies followed).
- Has 3G but can't tether to use as a modem.
- Still selling your soul to AT&T.
- Same shitty camera.
- Speaking of which, still no video recording.
- Changed housing from metal to plastic. The equivalent of changing your plane's fuselage to cardboard.
- AT&T. Still? Really!?
- Video recording added but quality sucks.
- What the fuck is the 'S' for in 3GS? The speed is 3G [PERIOD]
- Tethering not initially available
- Indistiguishable style from the 3G, unless you count the clever addition of the 'S' on the back.
- Holding the phone blocks the antenna from receiving signal. That's a feat in engineering.
- It's a "4" but not capable of 4G speeds.
- The front-facing camera blows. You could produce better images from an Etch-a-Sketch.
- Initially only available through AT&T still.
- The housing of the phone went from plastic (originally metal) to now glass. GLASS! Using my plane analogy from before, the fuselage would now be paper mache.
- Screen size the same as competitors are making screens larger.
- Phone sex with Siri is awkward.
- Battery life plummets in a few hours.
- Still no 4G speeds.
- NFC (or near-field communication) is not an option.
- Screen size is slightly bigger — really just a taller version of the 4S.
- Boxy design.
- Switched the connector to a "Lightening Cable". Meaning all those cords and accessories you've been hoarding like a homeless woman hoards cats will not work on the new phone.
iPhone 5S and 5C
- Two models? Why? Oh, my pants have two pockets? Good thinking, Apple.
- Screen size has been left in the dust by Android.
- Colors are stupid and will be covered up by a protective case anyway.
- Touch ID (fingerprint security) can be hacked and is about as effective as buying a gun for Siri to use.
- iOS 7 is disappointing.
The Problems with iPhone 6 and iOS8
The iPhone 6 and iOS8 were released a few days ago. The iPhone 6 itself is inferior to many other available phones out there today, and the new iOS8 operating system was plagued with more bugs than a 1970's prostitute's pubic area. The iOS 8.0.1 was even pulled just a few hours after release because the update rendered the phone incapable of connecting to cellular service and giving the user access to the Touch ID fingerprint scanner, all while draining the battery.
iPhone 6 (and 6+)
- Screen size has gotten bigger but resolution is only 326 pixels-per-inch for the iPhone 6. Other smartphones are well into the 400 to 500 ppi range.
- The battery has been upgraded but doesn't make a difference now that it runs a bigger screen.
- Camera is only 8MP. Even basic smartphones come equipped with TWICE that.
- Bluetooth connectivity for certain cars is nonexistent.
- The phone BENDS!
Now here's the shit show known as iOS8:
Greatest Complaints About iOS 8
1. iOS 8 Takes Up Too Much Storage
Apple has been hit by complaints that the 1.1GB download needs nearly 6GB of free space to install (in other words, a DVD and a half worth of porn). So how can you fix this? Well, there’s two main options: one is to make space on your device by deleting all your selfies and nudies or upload them to the cloud where no hacker will ever find them. Promise. Second option is to download the update on iTunes and install it via your computer.
2. Your Tits Aren't Getting Backed Up
Dropbox freely admits its service has an unfortunate compatibility issue with Apple’s latest update specifically affects the Automatic Backup function, preventing all of your selfies and nudies from being uploaded automatically to the cloud. Dropbox says it’s working with Apple to resolve the issue, but for now, advises you to refrain from deleting their files until everything is fixed.
3. iOS 8 Will Ass Rape Your iPhone 4
If you have an iPhone 4, you're probably homeless, because your phone has technically been obsolete for years. Even worse, it can’t handle running the new operating system, AT ALL. If you have an iPhone 4S, you may be feeling pretty smug right now. Your shit looks like a 4, but has Siri and the mutant-power ability to upgrade and stay with the operating system pack. Apple says that the 4S is good to go, but don’t listen to them. I repeat: Bury yourself under a pile of jizz rags and keep away from the madness. Your phone will be fucked otherwise.
4. Have a Charger Handy
Despite improved battery life on the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus, there are still apps that will run in the background and unnecessarily drain your reserves. Anecdotally, users of earlier models have complained about their battery draining noticeably faster after they installed iOS 8.
5. You're Running Low on Milk
If you come from The School of Ron Swanson and want to protect your privacy, make sure you lock down your device. iOS 8 has a number of new features tied to your location. Before you do anything like customizing your phone, loading new apps, syncing your data for the first time, or connecting with that transvestite on Tinder, your settings need to be checked.